Alternative yule
For non-sentimental types, holiday entertainment offerings are a veritable minefield of nutcrackers, reformed misers, wonderful lives and other assorted treacle. Mercifully, the Boston theater scene has your grouchy ass covered with a selection of shows that even a pre-reform Grinch could learn to love.
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and Sister’s Christmas Catechism
Nov. 26–Dec. 23
Actual Christmas pageants suck (unless your kid is in one, which we guess is adorable or something). But fake Christmas pageants? Those are just fun. Barbara Robinson’s is about a small-town pageant that gets crashed by a group of young delinquents with ridiculous results. It’s running in repertory at the Stoneham Theatre alongside Sister’s Christmas Catechism, a one-woman comedy in which a fairly filthy-minded nun goes in search of the Magi’s gold. $20-$44; Stoneham Theatre, 395 Main St, Stoneham (781-279-2200; stonehamtheatre.org)
Mrs. Grinchley’s Christmas Carol
Dec. 2–19
If you only see one Christmas parody play in the basement of a gay bar, make it this one. With past Yuletide drag masterpieces like Silent Night of the Lambs and All About Christmas Eve under their bustiers, nobody rings in the season quite like the Gold Dust Orphans. This year, company guru Ryan Landry gives us a Grinch-meets-Dickens-meets-Liza (with a Z) combo about a green-skinned old lady (played by Landry), who gets drunken visitations from three “spirits.” $35–$45; Theater Machine, 1254 Boylston St, Fenway, Boston (800-838-3006; facebook.com/golddustorphans)
The Slutcracker
Dec. 3–12
In the regular ol’ Nutcracker, Clara follows an anthropomorphized wooden doll through a wonderland of candy-cane trees and Russian dancers. In The Slutcracker, she follows an anthropomorphized rubber dildo through a wonderland of candy-cane penises and Russian dominatrices. Interested? You should be. Now in its third year, The Slutcracker has become a showcase for Boston’s sizeable burlesque community to strut, wobble and shed their stuff. This one’s 18+, of course. $20-$25; Somerville Theatre, 55 Davis Square, Somerville (617-625-5700; theslutcracker.com)
Urban Nutcracker
Dec. 3–19
It seems like everyone wants a piece of Tchaikovsky come December, and why not? The composer’s name has become practically synonymous with the season. Urban Nutcracker is Boston’s very own version, setting the 19th-century German tale in modern-day Downtown. Anthony Williams’ creation puts a distinctly African-American twist on the story, blending ballet with swing, hip-hop, tap and jazz. Wheelock Family Theatre, 200 The Riverway, Fenway, Boston (617-524-4381; balletrox.org)
Striking 12
Dec. 8–Jan. 2
Good news: here’s a holiday show that isn’t about Christmas. GrooveLily’s experimental comedy-musical hybrid follows the travails of a crabby guy in New York trying to hide away from the world on New Year’s Eve. SpeakEasy Stage Company is calling it “a holiday musical for people who don’t like holiday musicals.” Could that mean that’s it’s inspirational-message–free? Fingers crossed. Roberts Studio Theatre at the BCA Calderwood Pavilion, South End, Boston (617-933-8600; speakeasystage.com)
