Anti-Valentine's Day guide

You’re alone and bitter. The thought of fluffy bears, scattered rose petals, guttering candles and linked-arm wine-sipping makes you die a little on the inside. But that doesn’t mean you have to spend your Valentine’s Day at home, stewing in your own misery-juices. Here’s our guide to having fun this V-Day season without needing any damn hand to hold. And who knows—you may just find some other sulky soul to take home for some quality mutual wallowing.

UnValentine’s Day Org
Lizard Lounge
Jaggery's Mali Sastri presents her first Org at a public venue. Usually held at the South End artist co-op, Cloud Club, Orgs are parties that showcase all kinds of performances. Saturday's Org targets Valentine's Day, with performances for the broken hearted and dateless. The line-up includes NYC's anti-folkster Lach, instrumental retro-surfers Trabants, chamber pop outfit Jaggery and Brian Carpenter & the Confessions. The night’s rounded out with spoken word by Edrie of Walter Sickert & the Army of Broken Toys and storytelling by MassMouth. Saturday, Feb. 12; 8:30pm. $10–$12

Naked Girls Reading: Love Stinks
Coolidge Corner Theatre
If you're the type who looks toward Valentine's Day with a despair that borders on disgust and you also enjoy exhibitionism, has the Coolidge got a night for you. Harper Perennial is teaming up with the Boston Babydolls burlesque troupe to present a night of ladies reading (in the buff!) about love lost/never found. Hosted by the Babydolls' Miss Mina. Saturday, Feb. 12; midnight. $12 adv; $15 dos

Anti-Valentine’s Day Disco Brunch
Gargoyles on the Square
As part of their two-day Valentine's love/hate-a-thon, Gargoyles beckons the unattached to its Sunday disco brunch with a special shot of embittered singledom. Sip on cocktails such as the Screw You Driver and Hate-her-ade between orders of stinky cheese plates and Chicken A La Mony. No breathing on anybody, please. Sunday, Feb. 13; 11am

Cupid’s Misfire: Burlesque with a Heart On
Oberon
The best and buxomest of Boston’s burlesque scene are turning out for this V-Day’s Eve show. The theme, of course, is love and how it often sucks. Expect comedy and striptease in equal measure from the likes of Lolli Hoops, Bitches of Destiny, UnAmerika’s Sweetheart Karen Webb and octogenarian legend Mary Dolan. You may be dateless, but you can still get your kinky kicks. Sunday, Feb. 13; 8pm. $10 adv; $12 dos

Fuck Valentine’s Day
Bukowski Tavern
This isn’t so much a happening as a not-happening, which is probably exactly how the bar’s cranky namesake would’ve liked it. If you head to Bukowski on V-Day, you had better not be holding anyone’s hand, kissing, snoogling, whispering sweet nothings, or otherwise. It’s solely a space for drowning your sorrows with a wide variety of beers and/or growling softly into your hamburger. Got it? Monday, Feb. 14; 11:30am–1am

4th Annual Love It or Fuck It Valentine’s Day Dinner
The Savant Project
There are two side-by-side menus on V-Day at the Savant Project, and we have a pretty good guess as to which one you’ll be choosing. Skip the fancy-schmancy romantic option and go for the Fuck It, featuring “Screw You” chicken wings, a blue cheese-stuffed burger with smoked bacon and onion rings and a deep-fried Twinkie, all paired with cheap beer and black coffee. Sleazy Dave will be on hand to serenade you with “Angry & Depressing” ditties. Take out your post-meal righteous rage on the Dart Board of Exes Past. Monday, Feb. 14; 6pm. $40

The Marquis de Sade’s Justine
Boston Playwrights' Theatre
The king of sadomasochism himself may just be the best possible tonic for Valentine’s mushiness. Check out Fort Point Theatre Channel’s staged reading of a new opera based on de Sade’s most infamous tome, Justine, or the Misfortunes of Virtue. A lot of really icky stuff happens that will likely make you want to stay away from the opposite sex altogether. But it’s all for the good—proceeds benefit the FPTC, and there’ll be food on hand from the Channel Café, Flour Bakery and more. Visit fortpointtheatrechannel.com for tickets. Monday, Feb. 14; 7pm. $25 adv; $30 dos

Mortified: Doomed Valentines Show
Coolidge Corner Theatre
Valentine's Day is frequently awful, but never more so than when you're a teenager. For some cold-comfort (and hilarious) schadenfreude on the day itself, head to Mortified's Doomed Valentines Show at the Coolidge. Adults read their childhood and teenaged diaries, letters, poems and other embarrassing ephemera, making you feel better about your dateless self. Monday, Feb. 14; 7:30pm. $15